Wayward Pines tells a real snoozer of a Bedtime Story in its Season 2 finale


Previously on Wayward Pines ... Jason got Oedipal and then he got shot.

Now on Wayward Pines ... it's the end of Season 2 and everyone is going back to sleep, including me. Some of us are dreaming of a third season, apparently.


- Dr. Theo Yedlin MD pulls an "Oops, I killed you" on Jason in the operating room. When one of the younger doctors points out the obvious mistake Yedlin made, Theo basically tells the kid with his eyes that if he doesn't shut the @#$ up, the next surgical accident will happen to him. So Theo's become a real cool dude, basically. Other things Theo does after somehow becoming the de facto leader of Wayward Pines include: confirming to Kerry that she's been diddling her own son, separating Rebecca and Xander with the intent that Xander will die fighting abbies, leaving Arlene to die(!) and all I can think is that our Theo really could've used a Dr. Huxtable in his life. Bill Cosby, man: Your badness has had ripples all the way into the Norman-Rockwell-esque dystopian future. Gosh, I hope Theo can find a way to turn it around even without an '80s dad with a fancy sweater.

- The abbies don't have fancy sweater dads, either. They do, however, definitely have some kind of dancer's belt or something similar to cover up their jibblies, though, because, dang, they sure do continue to be very naked. Someday I hope someone superimposes bobbing bits onto all those abbies, but for now we're stuck with a storyline where they just yell a lot and gather. Just yell. And gather. That's literally it. A whole season of building them up, and the abbies just wind up cooling their heels at the front door. I thought we were getting a war! A skirmish? The abbies come in with a corsage as a beautiful Theo Yedlin descends the staircase in his stunning gown for prom, She's-All-That-style? Man, anything would do. 

- About half the citizenry of Wayward Pines are getting to live, but the rest are still most definitely boned. CJ and Theo basically decide to keep the list Jason selected, which means that mothers and children are mostly safe, except Frank because he's gay and @#$% those guys in the future, I guess, jeez. Anyway, basically Theo, CJ and a few others remain the only ones who know that 50% of humanity is about to bite it, but that doesn't last very long. Eventually the left-overs start ripping Wayward Pines apart, one dude paints his house and then hangs himself because that's fun, but eventually Theo feels guilty and saves Xander, Frank and Arlene. I guess that's nice of him, but also a lot of people still died, so ... ?

- Theo also has this idea that he's going to infect himself with a bunch of diseases that Pilcher kept as pets for some reason. The plan is, inject self with plagues, leave Wayward Pines, and then make out with abbies until everyone is dead. For a guy who spent the last few episodes insisting that the abbies were intelligent and maybe more worthy than humanity, this sure is an about face. Wasn't there also the going theory that the abbies would eventually die out on their own? Anyway, Kerry injects herself with the diseases first, because she's been sexing her son all season and who could blame her for wanting to die?

- The episode does not really close any plot threads at all. Theo and the gang freeze up hoping that Fox will thaw them next season, Kerry goes out into the wild, and the abbies are shown to still be alive and breeding. 

The end? According to the show's creative team, no, because they've got one more season's worth of stories to tell. If ratings are anything to go by, though, Wayward Pines is on the bubble at best, so the answer is probably yes. What a weird way to probably go out.


- Some of the Theo storyline is good. I like that he doesn't just immediately know how to handle all that power. Would that we had more episodes to explore his journey as a leader, but these last two episodes were nothing if not very interesting for Theo. And I appreciate the maturity that Rebecca, Xander and Theo all ultimately display. In the end, the set their differences aside and are kind to each other. That's the good side of humanity I wish we saw more of on this show.

- On the darker end of things, Theo sure didn't pay any mind to the fact that Frank was going to be left to die because, oops, he's gay. I hate that plot point a lot, but can we be super real with each other and admit that's exactly what would go down under this specific set of circumstances? Because I barely trust straight people to have my back now and we're only living under the constant threat of a maybe end times.


- I am deeply bothered by Theo's turn toward genocide. We've spent a whole season proving that the abbies are intelligent, heck they seem to be superior to humanity in a number of ways. The only reason the abbies are violent is because they were attacked first. And second. And third. And who knows how many more times before they finally fought back. Theo understood this for a while, so why the sudden about face? It's not only shockingly unethical, it's also not remotely in keeping with the character.

- Did Wayward Pines go way over budget or what? It's so weird to me that we spent the whole season building towards this standoff between humans and abbies, and what we got instead was abbies screaming from a hilltop like a naked, angry Julie Andrews' while Wayward Pines took a nap like ... some kinda .... nappy person. Look, they can't all be the A material. My point is that this end is really flat. 

- Did I say flat? I meant unnecessarily open-ended, too. Can you think of anyone (other than Arlene) who gets a satisfying ending if this is the final episode of Wayward Pines? And if you're going to leave things that open, at least make it exciting. Show something like, I dunno, the passing of time where the abbies evolve and build a more advanced civilization. Give us a reason to want to see how humanity will interact with this world again!


- Kerry just pukes for a while after she finds out that Jason is definitely her baby boy. She pukes and pukes and, if they showed her puking any longer, this would feel like an episode of Family Guy.

- Arlene, bless you. You are just living on a completely different television show and I wish I was wherever you are. You laid the love on Dr. Theo Yedlin MD so thick, but it paid off. First he rebuked you, then he rebuked you some more, but then! Then ... he rebuked you like every episode after that, too, but as the world ended you kissed the crap out of him and, between the two of us, girl, he loved it. If Wayward Pines is canceled, I will just assume you settled down in the mountains somewhere and played doctor.

- Big ups to the rando who painted his house before hanging himself. I'm just glad someone in this town has their priorities straight.

And that's it! What are your predictions for next season? Evolved abbies? Arlene and Theo's big, fat apocalyptic wedding? No next season at all? Just staring at an empty screen for an hour every week for two and a half months? Sound off, let me know what would bring you back to the most M. Nightiest show on television.

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