So which wine should a zombie choose when chomping on human flesh?

We usually think of zombies as mindless shambling monsters who want nothing more than to munch on human flesh all day. But what about the zombies with a more refined palate? What if they want to pair their brain cravings with a nice glass of wine? Thankfully, wine experts have some answers.

As usual when it comes to wine, it all depends on what you're eating. Different parts of the body have different textures and flavors, and thus pair better with different varieties. If you ask Maynard James Keenan, winery owner and lead singer of Tool and A Perfect Circle, you should try a pinot noir when munching on a human face, but if you're tearing out the tongue, you'll want a shiraz.

"The tongue is heartier and is going to have a little gamier of texture," Keenan said. "I'd go with a larger shiraz with some oak in it. Barolo, if you serve it raw. If you serve it raw with olive oil and herbs, you'll want a Barolo."

Of course, if you're eating a human nose, you don't want wine at all. Keenan says that's a beer meat.

"That's mainly cartilage so you're better off with beer. It's more aligned with hotdogs or bratwurst," he said. "That's true of the nose as well as the lips."

But what about that most time-honored favorite meal of zombies: brains? According to wine shop owner Damien Casten, you'll want either a chenin blanc from Saumur or a chardonnay from Burgundy. But only if you're dining on the brains in a certain delicate fashion.

"Of course, this assumes that you are simmering the brain in a cream sauce," he said. "This also assumes that you have time to treat the brains gently, and that will often mean soaking them in milk for a few hours."

This is all getting a bit complicated, isn't it? But not to worry, because there are ways to make pairing your human flesh with your favorite wine a bit easier. For one thing, simply choosing the right human can have a huge effect on flavor.

"For pairing purposes, I would recommend picking a meaty person who has tobacco notes—a smoker—as well as someone who enjoyed berries throughout their life," said wine expert Nic Pelaez. "Also, the lazier the better—they're more tender. So stick to couch potatoes and videogamers."

And if you want an even broader pairing method, former wine shop owner Laurie Chambers Laizure has a simple rule: just pair the region of the person you're eating with region of the wine you're drinking.

"Grape flesh, like human, is largely water-based. As such, the varietal as well as what it absorbs through its environment will be large contributors in how that tastes," she said. "Other factors might be age, physical and health condition. For instance, an overweight woman non-smoker should taste far superior to a musclebound man who smokes."

So if you're ever turned into a shambling rotting corpse, you've now got a wide range of fine dining options at your disposal, assuming you can remember them all before your brain congeals in your skull. And yeah, this all seems like a big joke now, but when the apocalypse comes, some of these wine sellers are gonna stock up on ammo (just in case), open up shop to the walking dead and laugh all the way to the bank.

(Via Huffington Post)

Related Stories

You can’t kill love in new trailer for Joe Dante’s zombie comedy Burying the Ex Trent Moore

Joe Dante’s latest film looks to tap into the same weird-awesome vein as his seminal classic Gremlins, and there’s no one we trust more to tell the zombie love story we never knew we wanted.


George Romero's zombie and vampire comic Empire of the Dead being developed for TV Trent Moore

The zombie genre is one of the hottest on TV these days, and now one of the concept’s original auteurs is getting ready to throw his hat back into the ring.


Fear the Walking Dead showrunner on spin-off plans: We don't go 'full-zombie' Trent Moore

The eagerly anticipated spinoff to AMC’s The Walking Dead arrives this summer, and the new showrunner is here to explain how it’ll differ from the flagship series.